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A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
Edward Abbey

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
David Moulton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Ambrose Bierce

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
His reply

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W.C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches.
David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Beer is good food.

You don't like jail? naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
Charles Bukowski

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Deep Thought, Jack Handy

It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore

Beer: Nature's laxative.

Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother! (hence, there should be a ban on all light beers)

One more drink and I'd be under the host.
Dorothy Parker

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
Dave Barry

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Dave Barry

My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time.
A Wolverine is Eating My Leg

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart

Draft beer, not people!

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat.
David Geary

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Put it back in the horse!
H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, said after he drank his first American beer at a bar.

It's not the drinking that make you feel bad in the morning, it's the lack of drinking in the morning.

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Don't know if any of this is really true, but they sound good -- courtesy of Pete's Wicked Ale....

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar-based, this period was called the "honey month" - or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb."

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have more beer."

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the Navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In the middle ages, "nunchion" was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the words "noon scheken", or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion, you had what we still today call a luncheon.